The home is calm, my kids are asleep. The only real sounds are coming from outside. I opened up my brand new blog to jot a welcome note to my new members of my online member family that I recently names The LionHeart Family. Just as my computer dings its familiar welcome chime my phone buzzes with a message from a brother of mine. I don't communicate with them more than once a year really...so its suspect. "Call if you can, Lindy, Its about mom."
My mother is in the hospital after having suffered a small heart attack.
Here I am thinking I would greet you all with rainbows and fluffy white bunnies but instead I greet you with a heavy dose of life with CPTSD. My mother may die. This is not anything unexpected as she is old and has lived out her desire to remain on this planet. The weight of this information, for me, is that (even though I have already come to terms with this information) if she dies my dream of reconnecting, friendship, forgiveness and so much more dies too.
This is not an uncommon feeling for those who grew up as the scapegoat, the unwanted, the unnoticed or abandoned. Abuse is abuse is abuse and trauma is trauma is trauma.
Instead of a friendly "Hi friends! What a wonderful day!" I greet you with a promise.
I promise to be real, honest, kind, empathetic and true. I promise to allow you to learn from my mistakes, my truths, my understandings and my teachings. I promise to share my joy, compassion and hope with you. In every chance and opportunity that I can find as long as I have the ability to do so.
While I don't know if Mum will die there are some things that I am certain of.
Life will go on. I will heal WITH joy. I will miss her, but I already do. I will cry, but I already do. Not much in my day to day will change ~ but a certainty will develop. A knowledge, with a certainty, that things ended as they were. And this is important.
See, even if she did validate my experience and a deeper forgiveness could be attained the truth that I have always been seeking has ALREADY been attained.
I am infinitely valuable. Her loving me, hugging me, caring for me, validating me or any other thing I craved will not add to this value. I do not need proof of my experiences. My pain, sorrow, and turmoil IS THE PROOF.
I was always seeking to understand if I was worthy of her love. I was. I will always be. Her ability to give it or not give it will never change my worthiness. It existed before her, and will after her.
So... Welcome to the family beautiful souls. I am so glad to have you beside me to walk this healing journey together. Thank you for loving me. Thank you for staying here with me. The earth isn't the earth with out you. I love you.
Thank you for your continued love and support my fellow infinitely valuable and beautiful sweet family members.