Its two days before my surgery. I am terrified. I need to write a blog post as I haven't for a time. I do this thing:
Miss a deadline or a goal and pile shame and guilt on my shoulders. Then that guilt is so big I cannot admit it or face it so I keep hiding from it making that shame and guilt grow exponentially.
It's brutal. I do it all the time in most all categories of life. There is a pressure that magically jumps on my back when a need is at hand. The longer this pattern continues the harder it is for me to end it.
I have not written for a while... because I have not written for a while. It sounds silly. It is silly, in many ways. I forgot to eat...so i just sit in the space where i am hungry expecting that I will eat but seemingly unable to stop avoiding eating.
I have been hiding. I am so sorry. I have learned that the quickest way out of this space is to say ~ ok, honestly...I was hiding. Sorry... I'll start again. Ending the stigma inside myself. No need to be ashamed. Just see it, acknowledge it and then move on.
Sorry guys. I cant promise that I will write every "x" amount of days but I can promise you that when I miss a few days and find myself hiding I will admit it, and write again.
I love y'all. As I approach surgery I hold y'all in my soul and mind to help me feel brave. Thanks for loving me. I love you back. Lindy